Karaoke Night
by ChilledFlame
Summary: Six attractive girls plus six ruthless soldiers. Isn't that the ingredient for love? These impossible gals think so. They sing, they dance, they're the center of attention. I think we've struck Mary Sue. And to answer some questions beforehand...


**Disclaimer:**I do not own Gundam Wing, and neither do you. Bandai claims all rights...really.

**Warning:** Minor pilot abuse and Mary Sue bashing, but it's okay. Singing, swear words, suggestive behavior, violence and language. Shameless self-insert.

**Summary: **Six attractive girls plus six ruthless soldiers--isn't that the ingredient for love? These impossible gals think so. They sing; they dance; they're the center of attention. I think we have a Mary Sue. And to answer some questions beforehand: This is not an attack on any specific Sue. It's just for my amusement and to amuse others.

(A/N This is spawned from my horrible night when the karaoke bar at the street corner had amateur night. Blame them.)

--

For some odd reason, circumstances and plot line ignored, the Gundam Pilots found themselves at a club house, a very suspicious club house. Their suspicions were further aroused when manacles sprung from the lovely, cherry colored, bar seat. Each tried in vane to twist themselves free of these iron tight binds. Not even Duo could free himself from the clever trap.

"Impossible," Wufei hissed through clenched teeth.

Duo added in a pained voice, "How did we get here?!" He fruitlessly tried to reach his scalp where his trusty lock-pick-barrettes were held.

Quatre looked back and forth, a worried expression in his eyes, "Why are we even at a clubhouse to begin with?! What ever happened to our missions? I could have sworn we were on Libra just a little while ago, anticipating our next battle with Zechs." Nothing in the bar helped alleviate the pilot's complete confusion.

"I could have sworn I was plotting my next attack on you, as well," interjected a familiar voice. The five Gundam Pilots turned their heads to the dark side of the table; they really needed to fix that light. Half shadowed by the dim lighting was their enemy. Unfortunately, if you missed anything during the war, this enemy could be anyone!

"Zechs," Heero seethed. He tried to do something: shoot him, punch him, or just pull his hair! However, they were all damned, trapped at an unfamiliar club. At least the drinks had bendy-straws in them.

"Have you noticed that no one is at this bar?" questioned Trowa. Everyone else had to scan the area as well because they couldn't take his word for it.

Duo confirmed, "Yeah, that's weird. It's not like a library or anything. Hey, are there any boozers in the place?!"

Wufei rolled his eyes. "Even if we found any drunks, could they help us get free?"

Quatre was determined to be the voice of reason. "What we need to focus on is the location of our captor...whoever they may be?"

It was almost like Quatre said a key word. Instantly, all the lights in the place blurred to life, excluding the one over Zechs. Then a melodious voice was heard, like a million song birds chirping at the same time, "Greetings Gundam Pilots."

"And Zechs," another voice interrupted.

"Oh and Zexy!" she corrected in a distinctive feminine voice. A gaggle of giggles was heard along with a few exclamations of 'zexy-wexy'. All five of the Gundam Pilots felt sorry for their mortified foe. "Welcome to the rest of your lives boys."

Trowa wondered, "Was that a threat?" The rest just shrugged. It was difficult taking this disembodied voice seriously.

Six girls appeared on stage. All of them were physically different except for their similarly long, flowing hair, and their ability to maintain an anorexic-thin yet still shapely body with an ample bust size. All of them also radiated a pure glow that was somewhat painful to the eyes. It was almost like they stood too close to nuclear waste all their lives. Unfortunately for the captured men, they each carried a microphone.

Duo's eyes widened instantly, as he was the first to realize the danger. "Karaoke!" he gasped in a voice that didn't quite fit a man who had seen the all the horrors in life. With the prospect of six young girls singing their hearts out, the pilots, and Zechs, struggled harder with their binds. They would be double-damned if they had to stay and listen to that! All of them were willing to drag the seat with them if they had to. Alas, the seat was also chained down.

Music started beating through the stilled space of the club. Their slim and shapely hips thrust to the beat. The Gundam Pilots..., and Zechs, were horrified, curious, and a tad confused. How could they have shapely, slim hips?

The first one stepped in front of the rest. Her hair was so red that it looked on fire...maybe it was. This girl's heavily lashed eyes were a green that shined brighter than an emerald. She introduced herself. "Hi people. I'm usually not use to being social, because I had a very screwed up past. My name is Emerald (You know my eyes) Clarity Bell, and I'm here to sing a number for you." She pointed a perfectly manicured finger at Heero. He glowered more than usual.

She brought the microphone to her cupid-bow lips, despite the protests from the captives, and began to sing.

_"I am a Gundam Girl!  
Why don'cha take me for a whirl?!  
I need a Gundam Boy  
To be my little soldier toy"_

_"I can relate to you.  
Hey! I'm a perfect soldier too,"_

Heero cocked his head like a puppy found abandoned at the pound. "Perfect soldier?" Sympathy stares were all directed at him, especially when the girl edged closer.

_"...And raised by Doctor Z  
To be heartless and cold just like thee"_

"...thee?" Duo was trying to grasp the use of Biblical-esque text in a hip-hop, mixed rhyme. It just didn't make sense.

_"Just look at my bust size.  
Does it make little Heero rise?"_

The odd thing about mentioning something, especially on one's body, is that it's tough not to look at it. It didn't make it easier for Heero when the mentioned object jiggled directly in his face. He was more worried about the girl's back problems and mental health than anything.

_"I'm gonna sex you up,  
My hunky, spandexed butter-cup!"_

If Heero was unsure of her motives then, they became quite clear during that line. He tried to wiggle free even more frantically than before. His one consolation, a woman couldn't technically rape an unwilling man, right?!

Suddenly she was bumped out of the way, quite literally, by another girl's anorexic slim yet still shapely hips. Again, the pilots, plus Zechs, were confused how that was physically possible. This unbelievably long-haired girl happened to be a black-head...eh raven. However, in her long strands there were rebel-like, violet streaks. Her ice blue eyes were icy and heavily lashed.

"Hey, you're hogging the stage. Let someone else have a turn," she spoke with slight irritation. The red-head mumbled something before going back into the hip-shaking chorus line of anorexic, shapely girls.

"Hiya, my peeps. I'm Destiny Hope, and my sole purpose is to be reunited with my Shinigami!"

Everyone turned to Duo, while he mouthed, 'I don't know her.'

She cleared her throat, before opening her mouth. She failed to hear the six unanimous pleas of, "NO!"

_"I am a Gundam Girl!  
Why don'cha take me for a whirl?!  
I need a Gundam Boy!  
To be my little soldier toy."_

They looked back and forth between the two girls that had their turn in the spotlight, and the other four that were waiting, hip swinging and all, for their chance. Efforts to escape quadrupled.

_"I'm a sexy, street brat,  
A Rebel! Can you believe that?!"_

"Really?" Duo deadpanned. He was naturally good-humored, but there were times when people really tested him.

_"Even with my tragic past,  
I'll jump your sexy ass real fast."_

Duo had sweat coming down his face. "Yeah, I bet you would." Like Heero, he worried about his virtue.

_"My black leather's soo tight  
This strippin' soldier's out of sight!"_

She smacked her black-clad, thinly anorexic, yet shapely hip in emphasis.

Wufei muttered, "I wish she really was 'out of sight'."

"At least, she's not shoving her ass in your face," Duo groaned. "Get off!" Of course she remained deaf to his pleas.

"Use your eyes," Zechs advised in a condescending voice. "There's six of them and six of us. I doubt that's mere coincidence." Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei shivered simultaneously. Each of the soldiers apprehended their trial through the gauntlet.

_"Sit still; I'm almost done!  
After this line, we'll have some fun!"_

She gave him a suggestive wink. The God of Death's eyebrow twitched uncontrollably. He couldn't take it much longer. He remembered the drinks that were placed on the table. Thank god, they had a bendy straw in it. He noticed the blond Muslim drinking his own down like water. "Hey!" he reprimanded.

"They're butchering music," the other defended then slurped.

Another girl cleared her throat and stepped off of the hip-swinging line.

"Great!" Duo said sarcastically. "A blond!" Zechs and Quatre sent him searing glares. "Not that there's anything wrong with that," he quickly defended.

"Alright Kitty," Destiny conceded. "You can have the stage."

"Alright!" she replied cheerfully.

Perhaps the G-boys plus Zechs expected someone with a different body type..., or at least a different breast size, but that wasn't the case. She had long, wavy blond hair. Her eyes were as deep and sparkly as (insert body of water here). "Hello bro," she greeted. The males each looked at each other accusingly; who had the audacity to have such a mutant sister?!

"Not me," Trowa blurted out.

A giggle erupted from her. "I'm Kitty Terana Winner," she greeted with another giggle.

"I don't have a sister by that name!" Quatre quickly defended. "And my father loved us too much to tag us with such a taunting name!"

The phrase, 'The show must go on', was most annoyingly literal when she ignored her 'brother's' accusations in favor of the microphone. "Trowa baby; I'm for you." The oddly banged pilot made no response. He stared at her with complete indifference.

_"I am a Gundam Girl!  
Why don'cha take me for a whirl?!  
I need a Gundam Boy!  
To be my little soldier toy."_

Six souls died a little.

_"I am a pilot's twin,  
But who knows were the hell I've bin'."_

"Seriously, this doesn't make any sense!" Quatre groaned. He needed more of that glorious liquid that he had been sucking through a bendy straw. Trowa still stared unflinching at the anorexic, stacked girl. His eyes didn't portray his inner thoughts in the least.

_"I'm looking for a clown  
To turn his solo act upside down."_

The other five made an effort to defend their comrade (or enemy in Zech's case), because the HeavyArm's pilot was either refusing or unable to respond to this Winner impostor.

"He's really not a solo act," Quatre defended. "He's a very prominent and willing member of the team."

"What gives you hussies the right to proclaim these silly, stereotyped falsehoods?!" Wufei argued passionately.

Heero said shortly, "Go die."

"What he said!" agreed the Deathscythe pilot.

Zechs remarked in a haughty voice, "You give the rest of us blonds a bad name."

Needless to say, they've had enough, and they've only dealt with three of the girls so far. However, they were fairly certain that at this point, the singers were selectively deaf.

_"So I am filthy rich,  
I'm still one hardcore, die-hard bitch."_

Quatre wondered if she was dipping into his bank account under a false name.

_"And if you treat me good,  
I might even massage your wood."_

Trowa clearly didn't have a 'wood', despite Kitty's persistence. Her boisterous bust, that must have been taxing on her anorexic body, bounced mere centimeters from his face. The other pilots were about to defend their silent partner again, but one word from Trowa silenced them. It was the most significant word anyone had uttered that night; it was a word that could not be ignored by the girls singing their lungs out.

"Fake," he stated in a voice that was deadly soft. The blond held her hand up to her ample bosom. At first, her hand was bounced back due to the natural buoyancy of silicon, so she had to repeat the action. Kitty took several steps back. Momentarily, her eery glow faded, and her hair laid down naturally.

With a reluctant and determined smile she remarked. "...No-no-no. I am perfect, and any deficiency in character is overcome naturally by my outstanding charm and quirky, fun-loving personality traits!" Her hair flew wildly in the non-existent breeze and she shone brighter. Her face returned to it's original... umm perfection.

Kitty took her place in the hip swinging line, while another girl stepped up to the plate. Quatre groaned. They all had deciphered that the strange girls were going in numerical order.

This girl was a brunet. No one should be denied the fine details of her hair color. Luminescent strands reflected every bit of dim light in the dingy club, glimmering gold, red, and sometimes black. Okay, she had black streaks in her hair. It was blasphemous to call her hair simply brown; it was too common of a color for this goddess. Her eyes were deep amethyst..., again heavily lashed. It's redundant to state that she had a thin, yet shapely body, with a huge bust line..., so it won't even be mentioned.

"Hey Q-baby," she purred.

Sometime between then and now, the blond had managed to consume an enormous amount of liquor. He looked at her with half-lidded eyes and said, "Hi conductor; is this my stop?" before passing out.

Duo stared at him with wide eyes, "Who would've guessed? He's a sleepy drunk."

"Lucky stiff," Zechs commented a little enviously.

If anything were to be said about these girls, they were unrelenting. Her intended target's complete lack of consciousness didn't even phase her. "I'm your one true love money... I mean honey. My name is Duet Maxwell" she greeted. A sound not unlike a forehead smacking into a table was heard.

"You've got to be kidding me! I don't even want to point out the problems with that," groaned Duo. He understandably had a headache.

Heeroturned to his comrade, "Didn't you name yourself based off your child history with the Maxwell Church?"

Duo nodded. It was practically impossible for someone to be genetically related to him and coincidentally have the same name that he borrowed from the church that raised him. Where did these girls get their information-Gundam Pilots For Dummies: Edited Version?

_"I am a Gundam Girl!  
Why don'cha take me for a whirl?!  
I need a Gundam Boy!  
To be my little soldier toy."_

Heero turned to Zechs and told him, "If you ever respected me as a fellow pilot and human being, you would hit me over the head."

"Only if you knock me out first," he compromised.

Wufei intervened irritably, "No ones getting knocked out, unless it's me."

_"I'm the Goddess of Death,  
Sexy to the very last breath"_

Duo ground his teeth.

_"Need some love in your life?  
I would make a great Trophy-Wife."_

"Marriage?" said Trowa in slight disgust. The thought of being legally bonded with any of these women made him queasy. It was probably for the best that Quatre was unconscious. It was also a shame that fate didn't spare the rest of them the same courtesy.

_"It's true love that I feel.  
I'm so... Is that Rolex for real?!"_

Duet had grabbed Quatre's limp, left, wrist that was laying lax on the table. She dropped her vulture-like grip on the unconscious CEO's wrist when she noticed her slip. She was a pure, divine creature that was unsullied by thoughts of personal gain. It was completely unbecoming of herself and her allies to behave in such a manner.

_"That was a joke, you know?  
I'm really not after your dough."_

A few nervous laughs followed her last verse. However, her recovery time was quick. She immediately fell into step and continued swinging her impossibly thin, shapely hips.

Wufei sighed when an identically shaped girl somersaulted in front of their table. Lucky number five. These girls, though similar in body, where making it easy for them all to identify. She had long flowing marine-colored hair, and of course it was natural! Her eyes were also a sparkling gem color that reminded one of a certain jewel that they really didn't remember, because they could care less.

She performed a few graceful, empowering karate moves before settling back into hip-swinging normalcy. "Hey this is Izumiko Norihiohomi-chan, and I'm all for Wu-man," she greeted.

Duo commented, "She is sooo dead."

_"I am a Gundam Girl!  
Why don'cha take me for a whirl?!  
I need a Gundam Boy!  
To be my little soldier toy."_

Each syllable was slightly punctuated by Wufei smacking his head on the hard wood table.

_"I'm here to prove you wrong.  
Beautiful women can be strong."_

The Chinese man growled, "I strongly protest to that statement. You are not a _woman_. You're some mutant demon sent here to suck the very will to live right out of us! If Nataku were here, your scrawny ass would be sliding across this stupid linoleum floor!" Though, he was yelling, she appeared not to have heard him.

_"My ninja skills are cool.  
And soon you'll find out that girls Rule!"_

"If that day ever came," intercepted the Deathscythe pilot. "I'm sure it won't be because of you."

"Amen to that," agreed Wufei. He was breathing heavily from fighting against his binds.

_"We will make love all night,  
After we get hot from our fight."_

"Hot? More like hospitalized," groaned Wufei. "...That is if I ever consent to fight a woman, which, by the way, I'm still debating whether you are."

Heero wondered out loud, "What is their preoccupation with sex. In case no one noticed, we're in a war-zone."

"It's called hormones Heero," Duo informed. "And it seems these nymphomaniacs' hormones have severely caused brain damage."

_"I know you want me now,  
But wait until we make that vow."_

The pilot of Nataku exclaimed passionately, "Thank God for small favors! Trust me when I say, 'I'm willing to wait a loong time."

Zechs echoed, "Amen to that."

She stepped back into line, swaying her hips and everything, while another girl stepped in front. Zechs groaned he was the last only victim left.

"What are they going to do with us after they're done?" Trowa questioned. There wasn't a soul that wasn't shivering in their shoes/boots/sneakers.

"Hello," the last girl said politely. Her red-tinted, chestnut hair had a life of it's own. Her deep blue eyes turned green at certain moments, and brown during others. Also, her body type resembled the others.

"Hello my dashing Lightning Count," she purred.

Zechs questioned, "Would any of you think less of me if I gnawed off my wrists?" Everyone, minus Quatre, shook their heads. That thought had probably ran through their heads, as well.

"My name is Princess Riah Venus til Androa," the greeting caused two aneurysms, one mental break down, and a complete lost in faith for humanity.

They finally discovered the futility of wishing that these woman would just spontaneously combust. It didn't happen the last five times, and it didn't happen when the 'Princess' held the microphone to her glossy lips.

_"I am a Gundam Girl!  
Why don'cha take me for a whirl?!  
I need a Gundam Boy!  
To be my little soldier toy."_

"Originality is a foreign concept to you brats, isn't it?" Zechs questioned with no reply. For a woman desperately infatuated with him, she knew how to ignore him.

_"My Kingdom was destroyed,  
And now my heart's an empty void!"_

Zechs never had chronic migraines in his life before; it was quite an interesting experience.

_"I can be filled by you!  
In more ways than you ever knew!"_

He also never had heart burn and indigestion at the same time. He wished and prayed that some divine intervention would come save them. He didn't care if it was Buddha, he just wanted this thing to shut up, and possibly stop making lewd hand gestures. No, he did not want to stick his index finger in between her thumb and middle finger! Yes, he knew what that gesture meant, but if he thought about it beyond the boundaries of simple gestures, he probably would have up-chucked his breakfast.

_"We were SO meant to be;  
Here, look at my engagement ring."_

Duo, Zechs, and Wufeiwould have commented; however, something intervened. A grenade-ish ball rolled under the current singing anorexic-thin, yet shapely, shiny haired, glowing, well-endowed thing. Noxious green fumes seeped from the devices pores. All six girls fell over at once in the same dignified fashion. Their hair flowed around them perfectly. Not to mention, no one cracked their skulls open.

"Sleeping gas," Heero observed. However, he could not cover his mouth to prevent the fumes from entering his breathing passages.

"Wait, it isn't affecting us," Duo announced. They all stared at one another in confusion.

Another disembodied voice answered, "Of course not, that gas was specially formulated to target the mutated strands of the MS gene."

"Mobile Suit?" Trowa pondered out loud. All of the other pilots were thinking along the same line.

"No, Mary Sue," the voice clarified.

"Are you one of them?!" Wufei accused. The growl in his voice sent shivers down the backs of the weak.

"Geez no!" the owner of the voice finally appeared, stepping out of the utility closet. This figure was nothing like the other scantily clad woman. They couldn't even tell if it was a woman or a man! This person wore a huge, shiny, mantle and cape that hid its figure. The thing that struck them as most odd, was the over-sized helmet that doubled as a visor and gas mask. This helmet also distorted the voice.

Duo, being the only one versed in American culture, immediately recognized the figure as, "Darth Vader?"

The person almost tripped over the enlarged cape. "Darth Helmet!" The figure pointed at the helmet that was at least four times as large as the Star Wars' counterpart.

"Anyway, I'm only a Gundam Wing fanfic author who gets their kicks out of Mary Sue fics," the figure introduced.

"That's kind of pathetic," Duo said with true sympathy. The author slumped.

"I know," the ambiguous one agreed.

"So what do you want with us?" Heero said in a cold voice. He could spare no sympathy for authors.

This author was completely unaffected by the icy tone. "I came to rescue you."

"For heaven's sake; what took so long?!" questioned Zechs. He yelled. Fortunately, the author was too disinterested in his character as a whole to be completely upset. Hey, everyone should be allowed their biases!

"Well, it took a lot of persuading on my part to convince the Maguanac that I wasn't evil," the author confessed. Before anyone could ask, _she _elaborated, "I didn't know if Plan A would work. The sleep bomb is still in its experimental stage. By the way, I also contacted Quinze, Dorothy, Sally, Howard, and Relena. They were all ready to help out in their own special way. Though, Relena wanted to talk some sense into the girls. I had to de-rail her plan, because it's impossible. These particular OC's are far too infested to ever turn back into normal human beings...poor things."

Trowa had been playing with the notion that the girl's had a mental disorder, and the author had managed to pique his curiosity, "Infested?"

The creepy helmet turned in his direction, breathed harshly a few times, and finally spoke, "It isn't uncommon for OC's to be created. However, original characters are very sensitive to the atmosphere of canon shows. Without proper nurturing and attention these characters mutate into what is technically termed as a Mary Sue... That is also why I'm wearing this ridiculous outfit! I must protect myself from the MS virus; not even authors are immune. Here, take a look."

The dark stranger bent down over the girls. They hadn't noticed at first, but Duet had changed. Her hair had become unimaginably curly and prone to fizzles, her face was overcome with freckles, and her body was small, and underdeveloped. She looked normal.

"'The rode to Hell is paved with good intentions', and that's why I always strive to be a egotistical, selfish, and flawed human being," the author confessed.

"It's good to have goals, I guess," Trowa deadpanned while attempting to prod Quatre awake with his foot.

The author clapped her hands together. "Now let's get you out of that trap." The dark-clad author took one step forward, but was caught on something. She turned around, and gasped as a glowing, perfect Duet pulled her to the floor. The author's screams were muffled by the helmet and all of the killer Mary Sues surrounding her in a feeding frenzy.

Wufei's lower jaw unhinged.

"OH MY GOD!" Duo screamed. That effectively woke up the blond pilot. His bleary eyes stared at the pool of blood that used to be the author and widened with fear.

Quatre yelled, "What is going on?!"

Heero told them all in a deadly voice, "It appears that they have mutated further." No one could deny that, as the blood soaked, anorexic, shapely, busty, vampire girls stood in a V formation, glaring red, and somehow beautiful eyes at the Gundam Pilots. Emerald lead the pack.

"If we can't have you," the leader stated in a monotone voice.

Duet piped, "Then no one can!" A few giggles followed this exclamation.

The girls leaped into the air like tigers, and the pilots were their prey. Zech's life flashed before his eyes. His one regret was that the last thing he would ever see would be the obnoxiously white, perfectly pointy teeth of that damn Mary Sue!

"Ahh!" Noin screamed while she practically jumped out of her sheets. The sweat-drenched woman breathed harshly while pushing her sticky hair out of her face. Never again would she read a vampire story before going to sleep; it always gave her such weird nightmares.

The woman twisted the sheets on her bed while she reflected on her dream. The Gundam Pilots' lives were nothing but a obsessed fangirl's toy to create badly planned smut called fanfiction. She chuckled softly. "How odd," the woman proclaimed while slipping into slippers. "What kind of name is Emerald, anyway?" she joked to herself.

Her room was suddenly blared a bright red. Enemy Attack! Noin raced outside of her room on Peacemillion, still in her slippers.

You know what; war has no time for romantically inclined teeny-boppers.

* * *

(NOTES)

Ever get something odd stuck in your head. For me, it was the first two verses of the jingle... I just had to write a fanfiction that revolved around that.

Also, I want to claim to be the first self-insert to actually die. At least, I hope I am.

Though, I am a tad annoyed by Mary Sue stories, I am more amused. I have a guilty pleasure of reading any pilot x oc pairing simply for my own amusement. They can't be serious, can they...oh, they are? Is that such a bad thing? I really need to spend my time better.

By the way, the pilots may not belong to me. However, that evil song does. I know...Zechs got less verses. However, he is less victimized than the other pilots. Plus, I was getting nauseated from my own lyrics!


End file.
